It’s almost 4 am in the morning now. I can’t sleep and been crying my heart out. I tried to work on the preparation and post classes materials needed for my classes yet it didn’t help me for being sad. So, here I am setting my alarm at 4.30 am as usual but hasn’t been able to sleep properly in order to wake up on time for preparation and heading to the toastmasters meeting.
The reality that my ex leaving Sydney in approximately 3 weeks time had created a feeling of loss inside my heart. My ex (plus and minus his perfection/imperfection) has been my 000 numbers. Anything happened to me I should sort of ‘report’ to him.
If I’m sick with diarrhea, I used to call him and in no time he’ll be in my door step and brought me to the doctor. If I need a lift to my toastmasters meeting in early morning when the train broke down, I rang him and he’ll be at the nearest station in no time. If I’m hungry because I don’t have anytime in preparing my meals, I’ll call him and we’ll have a meal together (usually in my favorite restaurant). If I need any computer assistance, I’ll call him and in no time he’ll be able to solve my problem for me. Even if I ever need any financial help (knock wood!!), I know he’ll be in no time bail me out– so he’s my IMF as well.
If I feel anything at all, I’ll call him and pour my heart out. Sometimes, I cried on the phone, laugh, whinge, very energetic and other times just feeling chatty. There were times when he said that I should’ve work in the call centre because I’ll be good at it since I love making phone calls.
I know that there were a phase in my life where I feel terrified to be near him but after I moved out and only seeing him occasionally things are getting better- much better indeed. Nowadays I feel really comfortable around him. I could easily call him and asked whether I can come to his place and watched dvd then fell asleep in the middle of the movie. He’s like my sanctuary where I feel so relax whenever he’s around and could easily let my guard down then just sleep. Maybe because I know that we won’t be together again but we have a different kind of trust and we’ll take care of each other should anything goes wrong.
Now, my jack of all trade man cum my ‘000’ number (000 is the emergency number one should call in Australia, it’s like 911 in the state) soon to be flying to Japan and leave me alone (stranded?–what a drama queen I am) here.
I know that I have someone special now but still it’s not the same yet. My ex told me that it’s good that I have someone special now so he won’t be too worried about me. Yes it’s good in a way but that someone special is not living 15 minutes drive from where I live and I’m still in a ‘ja-im’ stage with my special one whilst with Bambang I’m so over and beyond ‘ja-im’ so I can even let the toilet door open whilst doing my no. 2 and running around naked around the house if I wanted to.
Well.. now that I’ve written all my heart out, I have gained my conscience again and try to find positive things about this (which at this moment none). Anyway, at least this particular blog had dried my tears and surely I won’t be able to make it to the toastmasters meeting today because I need to sleep for at least an hour or so before going to work today.
On final note, I think I’m happy for him and it’s about time for me to let go my past and working on my future. Gambatte Ne Mas!!!