Hegel once wrote that it’s the end of history when people doesn’t have any reason to wake up in the morning.
One of my friends, Joni, commented in this blog asking whether I’m alive or dead. His comment made me think about myself whilst I was in the gym earlier today. I realize that there were times when I think I killed the history because I felt drown morally and it likes my heart is dripping with blood caused by a very sharp knife and someone just put a sprinkle of lime juice in it. I think I just see my heart bleeding to death and I grow from cynical to hatred in term of relationship between two sexes.
In other words, I found a part of me seems to be fading away and might be dying. I remembered someone wrote about how heart can reflect our attitude toward life itself. For sometimes now, I can still feel the hurt and wound thus it made me procrastinate everything else in my life. Sometimes I think I am lost. Sometimes I think I am more lost than I think. It’s complicated and intertwined just like a thing indescribable that change liquid into solid form and vice versa.
The other thing of me are still very much alive. I do routines and stick on my routines whatever it is. I do my morning prayer and meditation daily starts at 5 am or if I overslept as soon as I wake up. I read in the morning, reply to some emails then hit the gym at 6.30sh-7ish. Then I don’t do anything much, I try to enjoy my life and feel my heart. I’ll go wherever I like, I do whatever I’d like do, cook whatever I like to cook, don’t do anything I don’t feel like it. Read whatever good book I like to read or just stop in the mid section of the book if it’s a crap. Organize my room, my computer folders, my paper folders and try to fine a good tune with my life. Sometimes some friends ask me out, if I feel like it , I go out for a coffee or lunch or dinner. If I don’t then I learn to tell them sorry because I don’t feel like it. It sounds very bitter for Indonesian liking but I just try hard, maybe very hard to find me.
There are times where I am very happy with my friends and neighbors. Times where I am very happy with my students. And time when I feel content with my current life. It is definitely different and it’s not an easy path. But somehow I believe that I’ll survive.
I would like to say sorry for Hegel because I won’t be the one who’s going to murder history. I have a lot of things I look forward when I wake up in the morning. Especially in a beautiful warm day in Sydney such as today. At least I’m looking forward to seeing the Mardi Gras fair in Victoria park today. 🙂