‘Enjoy your life’ wish

I often make toast with my friends around me on ‘enjoy life’ or ‘for life’ when we cling the glasses on a special occasion. Honestly this whole toast and wish thing is a new experience for me. In Indonesia, we don’t have such thing because most of us drink tea or coffee and it’s just a bit complicated to toast with a hot drink inside your cup.

Recently, I received two texts messages from two different people who wish me to enjoy my life.

The first message was from a friend who I guess literally wish me to enjoy my life to the fullest and have a lot of fun with it. My friend’s idea for a good life is have it a go, try it, have fun, don’t even dare to think to much and just do whatever you would like to do. I know my friend always having fun. This particular friend always go to the beach and taking long holidays from time to time.

The second message is from the person who’s existence is very important and very dear for me. As the saying said ‘distance makes heart goes fonder’ yet sometimes distance create communication harder. The person who occupy my heart texted me and wish that I enjoy my life.

After a few consultations with some people around me this actually means that I’m being toss out of the relationship. The only question in my mind now is ‘why’ and the only answer that I’ve got so far is that I lie to him. No more details received about what kind of lie or anything else related to this. This is just too weird, how come two people who keep saying that they love each other suddenly wish the other person to ‘enjoy life’ without further explanation?

Is this Western way of dealing with relationship problem?

I notice that in Western society (no pun intended for generalization, but this is just a small observation from my point of view) people tend to be more easy going with their relationship. The good thing is I do notice that people are more expressive in ‘publishing’ their feelings to the other person plus more tactile with their love ones. But on the other flip of the coin, if one or two things don’t work out well, then they’ll easily say ‘enjoy your life’ [and I'll make sure that I'll have lots of enjoyment in my life as well-- I move on, I don't care and don't want to know about you anymore].

In Asian culture (read: Indonesian– again sorry for the generalization); people tend not to be so expressive with their words or public caressing show. Yet, when problem(s) occurs, they tend to work and re-work on it again and again and again and again and again until it can’t be work out any longer. Then, there they’ll say ‘enjoy your life’ [but if you really need me, please let me know and I'll try my best to help you].

Now I find the art of ‘enjoying my life’ is not so enjoyful after all.

No more ‘000′

It’s almost 4 am in the morning now. I can’t sleep and been crying my heart out. I tried to work on the preparation and post classes materials needed for my classes yet it didn’t help me for being sad. So, here I am setting my alarm at 4.30 am as usual but hasn’t been able to sleep properly in order to wake up on time for preparation and heading to the toastmasters meeting.

The reality that my ex leaving Sydney in approximately 3 weeks time had created a feeling of loss inside my heart. My ex (plus and minus his perfection/imperfection) has been my 000 numbers. Anything happened to me I should sort of ‘report’ to him.

If I’m sick with diarrhea, I used to call him and in no time he’ll be in my door step and brought me to the doctor. If I need a lift to my toastmasters meeting in early morning when the train broke down, I rang him and he’ll be at the nearest station in no time. If I’m hungry because I don’t have anytime in preparing my meals, I’ll call him and we’ll have a meal together (usually in my favorite restaurant). If I need any computer assistance, I’ll call him and in no time he’ll be able to solve my problem for me. Even if I ever need any financial help (knock wood!!), I know he’ll be in no time bail me out– so he’s my IMF as well.

If I feel anything at all, I’ll call him and pour my heart out. Sometimes, I cried on the phone, laugh, whinge, very energetic and other times just feeling chatty. There were times when he said that I should’ve work in the call centre because I’ll be good at it since I love making phone calls.

I know that there were a phase in my life where I feel terrified to be near him but after I moved out and only seeing him occasionally things are getting better- much better indeed. Nowadays I feel really comfortable around him. I could easily call him and asked whether I can come to his place and watched dvd then fell asleep in the middle of the movie. He’s like my sanctuary where I feel so relax whenever he’s around and could easily let my guard down then just sleep. Maybe because I know that we won’t be together again but we have a different kind of trust and we’ll take care of each other should anything goes wrong.

Now, my jack of all trade man cum my ‘000′ number (000 is the emergency number one should call in Australia, it’s like 911 in the state) soon to be flying to Japan and leave me alone (stranded?–what a drama queen I am) here.

I know that I have someone special now but still it’s not the same yet. My ex told me that it’s good that I have someone special now so he won’t be too worried about me. Yes it’s good in a way but that someone special is not living 15 minutes drive from where I live and I’m still in a ‘ja-im’ stage with my special one whilst with Bambang I’m so over and beyond ‘ja-im’ so I can even let the toilet door open whilst doing my no. 2 and running around naked around the house if I wanted to.

Well.. now that I’ve written all my heart out, I have gained my conscience again and try to find positive things about this (which at this moment none). Anyway, at least this particular blog had dried my tears and surely I won’t be able to make it to the toastmasters meeting today because I need to sleep for at least an hour or so before going to work today.

On final note, I think I’m happy for him and it’s about time for me to let go my past and working on my future. Gambatte Ne Mas!!!

A nice day with my ex

“Pernikahan itu ibarat masuk ke dalam terowongan yang gelap dan panjang. Berakhirnya sebuah pernikahan ibarat keluar dari terowongan pada ujung lainnya. Masalahnya sekarang apakah ujung lainnya itu adalah septic tank atau sungai yang jernih. Satu yang pasti adalah mereka nggak mungkin berakhir di dua tempat yang berbeda.”

The quotation above is from Mas Bambang (my ex-hubby). It’s translated as ‘A marriage is like entering a dark and long tunnel. The end of a marriage is like getting out in the other end of the tunnel. The problem is whether the end will be a septic tank or a clean river. One thing for sure is they won’t end up in two different places at the same time.’

My ex commented on my new relationship (yes.. I have a boyfriend now). He’s very happy for me as long as I am happy with myself and my decision. And it means that we’re ended at the clear water where both of us (hopefully) will be happier in our new relationship than the old one. Honestly, I felt so touched about his comment and his ways in taking things easily. He gave me many insights and opinion about my life. It was so nice to see him very calm and insightful. He reminded me of the main reason of me marrying him a few years ago.

My ex and I had a very good time together today. It wasn’t meant to be fun at all at the first place because I came to his place in order to help him with his packing. I thought he should be at the office by the time I came by. I almost changed my mind to help him today and procrastinate for a day or two but then after the gym, I thought it won’t do me any good to procrastinate so it’s better to get going with the project.

So there I was at his place, mapping the area first. Basically we need to sort out 6 main areas which are the books&stationaries, furniture+accessories, kitchen stuff, clothes, electronics and tidbits. Today we’ve done the books&stationaries but still halfway towards the clothing. Tomorrow I’ll work on the clothes and kitchen stuff. I can’t imagine that we (he) had so many things.

It is amazing to see how the things around us can create memories and effect our emotions. For example, I saw the designer clock that I’ve bought for our place. I remembered that I did a naughty impulsive buying just because I know that the clock would look marvelous in our living room. When I put the clock on the wall, I felt really good because it just right as I imagined it would be. Then, when my ex came home the first question he asked was the price of the clock. I lied to him by saying only a third of the price that I paid if for. At that time, I thought the price that I mentioned should be ‘all right’ in his term. But even so, he said ‘wow, it was too much’. Until now, since he still doesn’t know the real price for the clock, I smiled every time I saw the clock. In my mind, I can’t imagine how would he react when he know the real price of that clock. He might go ‘nuts’ with that and we’ll lost the joyful of having the nice clock in our living room. The same deal happened with some other little accessories in our place.

Now, it doesn’t matter anymore. The apartment smell very different compared with when I was living there. The aura, the vibe and everything is seemed to be out of place. Somehow, I feel sad alongside my laughters and talkative comments on many different things with my ex today. I feel sad because the things that I thought was important definitely means nothing at all. It does not matter whether the couch will match the coffee table and the pictures on the wall will enhance the look of the room. It doesn’t matter if we had a very nice and comfortable bed that costs us thousands of dollars. It doesn’t matter if we had nice top brands appliances. Nothing mattered when the relationship doesn’t work out anymore and we’re not together. The most important thing should be the togetherness of two soul not the materialistic things around us.

Now, I am in a ‘I don’t care’ mood in term of the things around me. I remembered my boyfriend asked me whether he should buy a new couch for the living room. If I were the old Shinta then I would gave a long opinion about what sort of couch should it be, the color, where he should put it, even to some extend draw a room prototype so he’ll be able to decide the size and place for the couch. But, the new Shinta just said ‘yeah.. it would be a good idea’ — this read as ‘well..honey, I don’t care because it doesn’t matter, I don’t care about the couch, paintings, or whether you have a plasma or not. What I care the most is our togetherness and if you don’t have enough couch for me to sit in, I’ll sit on the floor. It doesn’t matter.’ I didn’t tell Kev the above between the lines meaning yet I hope he’ll understand, and I’m sure as time goes by he’ll understand my concept.

There are several things that I’ve learned after the divorce. I’ve talked about this with my ex and he agreed with my opinion. A; I learn that trust is the core foundation in a relationship. When a trust has been broken, it’s just like that spoil corner in a nice crystal glass. It can’t be repaired anymore. My ex trusted me so much and I thought that I carried out the trust well yet we were not talking about the same page of the book. So, even though with trust, we need to make sure that we both understand the boundaries and limitation. B; I learn that money, possession and things around us don’t buy us happiness. I know that everyone seems to know this stuff but many people I know still ‘trapped’ in their own circle of monetary values and boundaries. I thought that if we had the nicest thing around us we will be happy. If we work very hard and buy more things (nicer car, bigger apartment, clubs membership, gold credit cards, etc) it will make us happier. Well, it does create an illusion for happiness yet not the real happiness itself. I realize that my happiest moment with my ex was when we had very little things around us. Basically what we had was only ‘us’. We didn’t have anything, everything was rented and very simple. Yet we were very happy because we had each other. I sang stupid songs, dance stupid movements, and did lots of things to keep us entertained because we can’t afford to go to a movie and have someone else entertained us.

Now, since we have arrived at the end of the other tunnel. I believe that we’re both going to swim and have fun with the clean (hopefully drinkable) water at the end of the tunnel. I am currently feeling the clean water yet very vigilant in swimming on it. Sometimes, I still reflect on what happened on that dark tunnel and wondering why should it be dark at all. There should be light on that tunnel. Today, when I spent time with my ex, I think we did have some light on that dark tunnel after all.